The Week of the Spiders

I have been thinking a lot this week about interpersonal relationships. They can be such fragile things that dissipate so easily. Honestly, sometimes I am amazed that we all don’t just kill each other at every single conflict.

“Hey, I hate THAT color on your shirt!”
“Well too bad, its my favorite color.”

“I’ll kill you for that! You snarky clothes wearing so and so!”

I have found out something about myself thru the years. I used to fight with people a lot. Perhaps I was a bit of a bully maybe. I used to be so angry all the time. I pushed a lot of people off. Let me tell you it has not been easy to get my temper under control and it has taken a lot of work over the years. What I have learned is that really I am just very sensitive. One of the things that makes me so good at my job is that I have an immense capacity to empathize and understand other people/animals viewpoints and needs. After all the work I have done to control my anger, I really needed to learn how to control how I let other people’s actions affect me.

The typical cycle would be I care about someone, eventually they hurt me in some way (as humans tend to do) and depending on how much I cared for them that was usually how angry I would get. It is not like I would feel hurt and then be angry, no I would bypass the deeper feeling of hurt and go straight for blinding rage. As you can imagine, in the past having meaningful relationships with people who went to any deep level was kind of a chore for all people involved.

I am not saying that my reactions were atypical, the opposite. So many people push back so hard against what they are really feeling and only express the easiest emotion: anger.

Granted, I am not saying I don’t still react angrily when someone I care about wounds me. I still do of course. I have just learned to keep my mouth shut as much as possible and keep my fists where they belong and take time to stop and think rationally before just reacting on my first instinct. Do I slip up sometimes? Yeah, I am still human.

I had someone I love very much recently tell me I am too sensitive. I am OK with this. My life situation is much better then it was 10 years ago, or even 5 years ago. I don’t HAVE to be the mean get-all-out blast in your face if you don’t f’kin like it kind of person anymore. I actually have the freedom and the ability to let myself feel what I am really feeling without having to play pretense. It is liberating in a way. I feel like a better person.

And lets face it, when you have a child, you have to be a better person then you were before they came a long. If you want them to be better than you are, then you have to make yourself better too. Even in small ways. You don’t have to make yourself perfect, you just have to try your hardest. This week I have definitely felt a regression in myself. I have been quick to temper, my anxiety, paranoid delusional thoughts and insomnia are back for reasons I can’t really explain. I was up at midnight cleaning the light fixtures in the house to give you an idea. To say all this publicly and frankly, will it come back to bite me in the butt? Probably. But maybe someone else out there might read it  and understand what I am trying to say. Who knows? That’s just the person I am though, I can only write about whats real.

I understand it just temporary, I will get better control of my emotions and self again. Already I feel a little better for writing about it.

In other news, our new Hoppop potty is here and my daughter actually likes to sit on it! She did go once already, but that’s all. She will get there!

The husband and I continue to make our plans for the future, waiting on a few loose ends right now. Loose ends we need to tie up by the end of the summer if our plans are going to come to fruition. Something I love about being married; you can make plans for the long-term future together. It’s really nice. Of course, a lot of times plans have to be modified to fit the reality of a situation, but at least you can make them and dream together.

This week was a week of spiders. I have seen an unusual amount of Daddy Long Legs around the house (like everywhere I turn!) We had a little garden spider take up residence in our entryway for a few days until my daughter accidentally  broke her web. The next day she moved on to a more secure location. I named her Chloe

We also had a few friends move back up here from Texas, and out of one of the boxes came this lovely lady:

Pretty sure she is a black widow. You cant see in this picture, but she had a big red blob on her underbelly, wasn’t quite an hourglass shape, but I read that especially in younger females the hourglass has less definition. We had a lot of kids about, including two toddlers, so unfortunately this little black beauty got the boot heel. Not by me, I couldn’t kill her (remember the sensitive thing I was talking about before?) but my friend had the fortitude and a really big boot to get the job done. I felt really bad, but not bad enough to put my baby in danger. Sorry spider.

I also found a little tiny jumping spider in my car on Friday. Just a little grey one. Crawled on the seat next to me stopped a moment and then continued on. If I was to anthropomorphize that spider, I would think she was considering me. Really i just know she paused to make sure the coast was clear for her to move again.

Its just been a really spider filled week. Some superstitions claim that spiders are good luck and can mean wealth incoming.

Then again, other superstitions claim they can mean anything from death or loss to becoming ensnared in traps.

I am going to think positively and see all these spiders as good omens. 🙂

Till next time, hope you have a great week!

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