Feeling Sold

So, recently I have been doing everything I can think of to make a little extra cash. The pay cut hubby took when we moved down here is just enough to get by, and it’s very tight every month. Hubby and I came up with a ten-year plan, with the first big goal to buy a small “starter” home. To get to that goal, we need to do more than just barely get by.

I hear you ask; “If you aren’t rolling in dough, why would you want to buy a house?” Good question. Because rent here is a good $4-600 more than a mortgage payment on a small single family home would be. Even adding in cost of water, heat, electric, sewer and trash, plus taxes and etc we would still be paying less for a home and we could modify it and have someplace stable to raise our young children.  Since we plan on being in this area at least for the next ten years (barring any other horrible surprises of course) then it only makes more sense to buy a small place.

AFFORDING the payments month to month after the initial transaction is way different then getting the loan to begin with and its different then being able to afford the large up front costs and down payments etc. Hence, hubby and I are trying to make more money. I have been working on selling my tutu’s locally, dabbled in trying to create a stuffed animal people would buy… just kind of ended up with this weird thing that I don’t think anybody would pay a cent for. Been working on my affiliations and keeping a lookout for any part-time work that might come along. None of those things I mind. I can happily and proudly announce my affiliations because I choose them and I believe in them. I can happily sell tutu’s or other hand craftier things because I made them.

...yeah, I know... not so great

…yeah, I know… not so great

No, recently I have really sold myself out. I recently joined one of those direct sales work from home businesses. I prefer not to say because it is a widely recognized brand. You know the kind though, make your own hours selling product to friends and family and keep whatever is off the top.

I NEVER EVER in a thousand years saw myself doing something like this. I remember going to Tupperware parties with my mother when I was a kid and thinking no way. Never. My whole life, I have known my calling. To be truthful and 100% (as I always strive to be) being away from my field hurts. It’s like this little physical pain in the back of me that I can ignore but at a cost. Like, some people are born for God and to be missionaries or priests. They hear God calling them. It is kind of like that I guess. My life I KNOW is meant to care for the other creatures we share this planet with and raise awareness about injustice being done to them by my own species. Being away from my field is not easy for me. But, my children must come first and then need me at home right NOW. In a few years I look forward to going back to what I was born to do and what I do best.

I have always remained confident in that fact, but taking this new “job” has made me more depressed than I could have anticipated. We live a very minimalist lifestyle (mostly by choice) we don’t even own a microwave, nor do we want one back. I enjoy living simply. Here I am trying my damnedest to push consumerist junk on people. Not just strangers but my own friends and family. It makes me a little sick. Here I am with my own set of chopsticks trying to save the salamanders and at the same time I am selling this product that decimates forests with all the propaganda magazines they print. It feels so false, so dirty. It feels like lying.

I feel like such a hypocrite. I can’t even bring myself to advertise my new sales job on my Facebook for fear my real colleagues see it. My pride has taken a huge hit, my integrity too, and I have hardly made any money doing it so far. Not for lack of trying. I am trying to the point where I have less time with my kids every day. So why am I continuing?  I want to do the best I can for them. I keep telling myself, just keep it up for a few short years, get them a house and a stable life. If it was just me and hubby we could hop apartment to apartment and I could hop facility to facility around the country and hubby could work odd restaurant jobs anywhere. Part of being and adult, and ALL of being a parent is letting go of selfishness. They deserve the stable childhood I didn’t get. They deserve parents who are always there for them and not always gone or busy.

I keep having dreams about the animals. Last night it was about my wolves. My old zoo was chaining them to dog houses and one had escaped. Obviously, my old zoo would NEVER chain our wolves to anything, it was just a dream. The other day I had one where I took a tiger to the local fair on a leash and was kicked out of the fair. I feel my subconscious is telling me that I am neglecting a huge and import part of who I am. I just wish I knew how to balance taking care of my family while achieving my goals too. This summer I doubt I will even have time to do anything with the Chain Off, let alone organize a No Tigers at Our Fair or rally for T.E.A.P.A HR 3359 in a totally new place.  Exclusively breastfeeding a newborn is a full-time job in and of itself.

Maybe one day I will find a balance… until then gotta do what is best for my kids and hope I don’t sell out too much of my integrity in the process…

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