Posts Tagged ‘ obsessive self analyzing ’

I Like Lists.

Today I took a personal day.

You know, as much as a mom of three kids is able to.

I spent a lot of the day on Facebook, but I also spent a lot of my day thinking.

Ever since my oldest decided she wanted to try public school I have been getting more and more depressed. I went through all the reasons we want her homeschooled and wrote lists and prepared myself and analyzed potential outcomes… and did all the obsessive things I always do when presented with upsetting news.

I felt I had dealt with all the issues I had regarding enrolling her in public school. It is her choice and we have always maintained she is free to make that choice. I realize it is MY issues that are making me upset about it and working very hard to not let that impair her thought process. (Yes, I am doing the “fake it till you make it” smile when we talk about public school with her.)

I didn’t really realize how deep my issues go with this until I was thinking today.

I am a fixer, a doer. Everyone is always telling me I overload myself, that I need to relax more. Even our homeschool evaluator told me I did way too much (and also asked me if I enjoy making all these lists because its not required… to which I answered: yes, yes I do.) See, other people like getting pedicures and massages. While I do find a good book or a lazy float down a river relaxing; I also find record logging and lists and organization relaxing as well. Certainly more relaxing then letting some stranger fondle and scrub my feet! Getting my thoughts out of my head in a nice neat list; planning how to tackle problems and following through. Oh and that oh so satisfying check when you are done with your task. mmmmmmmmm

Being a zookeeper full time every day was different. I got to problem solve every day. I am great in a crisis and for every day dilemmas too.

What does this have to do with not being able to homeschool my oldest anymore?

Now that I only keep part-time and most of my time is taken up with the kids I am realizing that in the past year I have felt very fulfilled. The work of homeschooling; while overwhelming at times; filled a certain need in me too. It was so satisfying each day after bedtime filling in the days logbook and seeing how much we accomplished in a short and long term format. It gave me a feeling of purpose again; which I have been lacking since leaving keeping full time.

Yes yes I know; as many have told me raising the next generation is very import and full of purpose etc etc… I get it. But it’s really not challenging for me. Sometimes its very rewarding and fulfilling in its own way. Some days its aggravating and makes me want to just hide all day. But most days are filled with a lot of monotony. Yeah we can switch it up; new craft today, fun experiment today, play date, new place to explore…. etc. We do those things. But a lot of days its just clean the dining room table for the 400th time and intervene on the 50th fight and sooth the 10th tantrum and on and on.

Homeschooling gave ME a sense of purpose each day and as an added bonus my daughter received a great education. Homeschooling was the excuse (motivation) we “needed” for a dozen local field trips and weekend getaways (read: extended educational field trips.)

Now I feel like I have lost that a little and its making me a bit depressed.

Yes, I know, I have the other two I can homeschool. But really, teaching and playing with a 3 year old and a 18 month old is not really challenging at all. Fun yes, and great quality time, but it doesn’t present the same challenges as homeschooling.

I realize I am coming across as a bit selfish. I am sure, given enough time I will find something else to inspire and engage me more. Seems petty to complain about even as I am typing this. Who knows, maybe we will be back homeschooling before I know it?

I know one day I will have the time to fight the good fight again and help to continue to educate people on conservation and animal welfare. I know one day I will want to cuddle with my son and he will scoff and make a face at me. I am enjoying my time here and now. I just want to keep my sanity while I do it!

Hope you all have a good evening internet land. 🙂



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